Thursday, February 1, 2007

NOW OPEN:

THE CHURCH OF JUMBUCK

"A TRULY UNIQUE AND AFFIRMING RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE...IF ANY CHURCH IS NOT A WACKY CULT OF CHARISMA, IT’S REV. ARIES' CHURCH."

- The New York Times Religious Supplement, January 11, 2007

Too many of us experience an emptiness in our lives, a lack of something. We seek to fill it with food, drink, money, hobbies, work, warfare, loving, service, philosophy, society...but we are not filled. What can fill it?

Sheep. To be exact, Jumbucks.

Indeed, jumbucks are the only means by which we can sate ourselves - and not by eating them. Herding them, trimming them for wool, keeping them as pets; all these things give true peace, true ontology. No moral affirmation is possible without a wholehearted dedication to jumbucks.

Therefore, the Church of Jumbuck (Herded by the Rev. Ovis Aries) seeks freedom from Spanish-Inquisiton-stile doctrines, (unlike A CERTAIN CHURCH WE COULD NAME!), unconverted swagmen, and doctrinalism. We have only one interest: to ensure that the moral affirmation of jumbucks (Australian jumbucks, may we remind you) be embraced by all humankind.

Endorsements:

“I had some unfortunate experiences in my past life, but this Church has been a transformative, holistic religious experience, for which I am quite thankful.”

- The Jolly Swagman

“We are considering an intellectual-property rights suit.”

- Chancery office, Transformation Church of Dallas, TX

“This church is a necessary insight into grass and religion. If I weren’t an atheist, I’d join it.”

- Richard Dawkins

“Grass? What's this about grass?”

- Anonymous goat

“If you’ll pardon me saying, it’s a bit sinister...”

- [real name of Histor the Wise]

“It perfectly demonstrates the aphorism incorrectly attributed to me – which, by the by, I wish I had said.”

- G. K. Chesterton

“I should have stayed up in the Catskills...”

- Rip van Winkle

"Maybe I won't rack you guys yet."

- Cardinal Ximenez of Spain

“Transcendent!”

- Rev. J. H. Hornblower, pastor of True Life Baptist Church, St. Paul, Minnesota

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