Palm Sunday Bulletin

A milestone of my life. I drove my folks home from church in - DRUM ROLL, CARDINAL! - the Big Blue. Thank God nothing disastrous occurred, despite the Furniture Gremlins putting, well, furniture on the road. And - how I love this - I made Mr. Moose fall right onto the gear shifter when I pulled out of the parking lot. To quote Cyrano de Bergerac, "I made another enemy today!"

Aw heck, he's not a real enemy. He's just a stuffed animal. But, hey, I'm an irenic chap, and I'm out of practice.

And, thanks to Dad, I discovered the most wonderful website - the B-Movie Catechism. Robots, monsters (with glowing eyeballs, so everyone can tell where they are), and obese ventriloquists' dummies (won't link, thank you very much) - all making me glad I don't watch TV. However, there is still - ah, certain books. On the up side, and finding the religious significance in a film about robots blowing bubbles is better than finding the Revolutionary War allusions in "The Twelve Days of Christmas." And did you know the mystic Ann Catherine Emmerich claimed that the Passover meat Christ ate on Holy Thursday was flavored with garlic? I love garlic. I hate vampires, who violate Isaiah 7:13. (Read "mock" for "weary").

I'm working on The Confessions of Saint Augustine. He starts it out with a good big litany to God, who, unlike most autobiographers, is an interesting character whose activities are fascinating and not a little dramatic. Not to say Augustine isn't interesting (although he's not dramatic, not yet). He had to read the Illiad - something conspicious on my to-read list by its abscence. He took away from it a sort of ambivalent attitude towards adultery. Homer was quite a lecher, apparently. Then he went off to college, in that renowned party city Carthage. (It hadn't lived down its human-sacrificing past, apparently; unlike Mexico City.) Due to money concerns, his parents had to slack off on the monitoring. Fill in the blank.

O Bliss! O Joy! The horsemeat industry in the US has finally shut down: killing horses and selling their body parts for the use of humans is no longer legal. Doing the same to humans, however, is still legal, provided it is done under the auspices of properly licensed medical professionals, or for artistic purposes.

The horsemeat industry acually had quite a presence in North Texas. I suggest somebody look into the rat-meat industry. Hey, didn't they do it on sailing ships?

Take a look at this. I aced it (they teach us right at Chez Histor!) although I didn't get the bonus one (#18: Writing a song about how wonderful and caring you are.) Then again, I'm no good as a songwriter.

Say, remember a looooooooooong time back I threatened you with a short story about a bookcase? Well, you still shall get the story (next week), but probably not the bookcase. Couldn't fit. If you want a decent story, here's one. Anyone who comments "I don't see no p'ints about this blog..." deserves a good whack on the head with a palm leaf. The whole palm leaf, I mean.

Well, the Church of Jumbuck is now based in a former doughnut shop in North Richland Hills. They found a 55-gallon drum of glazing, and they got to keep it. And now they have insurance against Inquisitorial attacks.

The Sucrose Inquisition accidentially ambushed an antiques store ("Um, Histor, it did look like a Baptist church...") but - luckily - I was in the area and shooed them out. Then I bought a huge statue of the late Ho Chi Minh made out of iron pipes and car fenders. In my defense, it was the only thing I had the cash for. And boy, was that guy grateful.

"But how do you know it's Ho?" I asked.

"It said so. [sotto voce] By the way, he really likes 60's music. Especially Jefferson Airplane."

Well, maybe we'll hit it off. You never know.

I took his gun away (rusty pipe it may be, but...) and put him by the front gate. I can't wait till the school bus comes along tomorrow.

Adios, leales sujetos!

Fifth Week of Lent Bulletin

It's not my lucky day. I just deleted my post. Twice.

I went to the Bishop's Pro-Life Dinner up in Dallas yesterday. It was nice. I also mixed concrete for a swing set yesterday. That was very nice.

The Sucrose Inquisition sentenced 40 different farm animals (attending a Church of Jumbuck meeting) to burning at the stake Wednesday. I broke it up - can't afford to pay damages if any critters get killed.

The Church of Jumbuck is moving from my shed to a former doughnut shop in North Richland Hills. Hope they can afford it.

Adios! I return tomorrow to the Homeschool Experience!

Fourth Week of Lent Bulletin

That's what you get for lovin' me

That's what you get for lovin' me-eee

Everything you had is gone

As you can see

That's what you get for lovin' me.

Apropros to nothing - just thought I'd put them on. Bob Dylan sounds pretty nasty, doesn't he.

Anyhow, I'm at the tail end of a sickness. It hit me on Sunday, and laid me up in bed until Wednesday. Everyone else was sick too, even H.L. Crawdad, whom you can see above in my bookbag. "Just bury me here, Dom," he said. "NOT IN MY BOOKBAG!" I yelled. "IT'LL STINK UP MY SCHOOLBOOKS AND...oh, sorry, H.L. Shouldn't have been yelling." Anyway, H.L. Crawdad got over it. Here he is on my newly cleaned table.

I'm not actually in the NRA. H.L. is.

We haven't heard, seen, or osmoted anything concerning the Church of Jumbuck for quite a while. As you remember, the last news was that the Sucrose Inquisition was after them. Perhaps they got sick in mid-attack.

Here's some pictures:

The "Hatchet Window" of my parish.

The enclosed bit rather looks like a knife, does it not?

More pictures in another post. It's hard to handle these pictures and text.

Important News! I read The Wealth of Nations! Many the time I feared they would find my bones by the eBook I was reading it from, but I finished it. All five books. I grew to like it, but I'm not reading it again until they make me study classical economics in college. And it's got five stars now. Once I get back on my feet, I'll write a review.

Another Important News! I will be visiting Christendom College in July. When it comes along, you'll hear all about me and Crawdad's adventures in real time, via this blog! You'll hear all about the quaint customs of the locals of Virginia, the incidents and studies at Christendom, and (hopefully) a bit on Washington, D.C., where I hope to visit. Speaking of the locals, aren't they the ones who invented wampum?

Maybe I should stop making fun of Virginians. They started the Civil War, and I've got relatives up there.

I read America: The Last Best Hope by William J. Bennett while I was sick. It's a history, but only the first installment is published. It goes from discovery to World War I. It gets five stars (although the style occasionally is annoying). And it's awful informative.

Well, that's all. Happy belated St. Patrick's Day and Erin Go Bragh!

Second Week of Lent Bulletin

Stand in the Light;
Step into Freedom;
Healing Balm;
Bearer of Hope,
Restoring Spirit;
Clothed in Love;
Imaging Love:
Empowering Lives;
Passion for Justice;

(I could say it was part of a litany in praise of Sen. Barack Obama, but for this next one)

and who could forget David Haas'
"Voices that Challenge".

Dredged up by Gerald Augustinus.

First, a confession: I forgot to fast and pray per my vow. I'll have to make it up this Friday. That's the bad news. The Good News is twofold: H.L. Crawdad got his essay done, and the Sucrose Inquisition released me Monday morning when I identified myself. They apologized profusely (I'm their boss), and promised never, never, never to get near me with a squeaking toy again.

They were last seen Saturday at dusk, heading in the general direction of the Church of Jumbuck, armed with a copier, a sqeaky rubber duck, and their trusty soft cushions. God help us all.

Read this if you have any interest about politics. In my opinion, conservatism's innate tendency to be the Champion ofthe Status Quo is coming out now, with defenders of what 45 years back was abhorrent jockeying for nominations in the Republican Party. Of course maybe people will get sick of the current society and stop voting for people who perpetuate it. Some people are actually doing that.

Now this is a nice example of the "position then evidence" attitude so much in evidence among, say, Kennedy-Assassination maniacs. If you find a historian using that, then throw his book into the nearest high-temperature-producing device.

Well, folks, I mind as well provide some prayers, translated by the ICEL from Latin.

Grace before meals:
Dear God: we like food. We like the food you give us. We like Jesus because he gives us food. Amen.

Grace after meals:
Thank you, God, for giving us stuff. You will not die. Amen.

Guardian Angel Prayer:
Dear angel, God told you to follow me around. Please don't get lost. Please tell me what to do. Amen.

Now let us speak of other things.

This is NICE:
Scroll down to the bottom of this link, and see what you find.

(From the same folks: the Tabasco-Sauce Holster!)

Not nice at all:
The picture actually looks more like, uh, uh, Elizabeth Gold from The Spy Who Came in from the Cold than Mary. Besides, it's filthy ugly. If I were Elizabeth Gold, or Mary, or whoever the statue's supposed to be, I would sue for libel. Then again, Gold didn't wear those floppy wing sleeves. Nor would Mary have, according to the unamious testimony of everyone from early Christians to 12-century sculptors to Velazquez to Our Lady of Guadalupe to Bernadette Soubirous.

Next week's essay: A Short Story concerning a Bookcase.

First Week of Lent Bulletin

Wow! What a Mardi Gras that was!

Such a Mardi Gras, in fact, that, well, I only woke up again Friday morning*...and had a backlog of school...and suddenly realized that "I hadn't given anything up for Lent!"

So I gave up blogging, along with web-surfing and reading other people's blogs.

Anyhow, it was a pretty good week. I concentrated on my Spanish and Latin backlog, got those trimmed to manageable size, and kept slogging through An Inquiry into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations - which spends a gad-awful amount of time talking about corn. I have actually started to like the book a lot, but it's hard reading. This reading, however, was at the expense of necessary study for the FAITH AND HISTORY CONTEST, which occurs sometime after Lent and offers bragging rights and a gift certificate to whomever can identify the guy whose handmaiden was killed by the Benjaminites.

I also took a look at Beowulf, which after about 1400 years still is "relevant." The moral (so far) is:

If you have some 12-foot guy in your neighborhood who doesn't like your revelry in a great hall, get out of the hall before he comes along and starts scarfing you down like popcorn. And -whatever you do - don't offer sacrifices to pagan gods, 'cause that doesn't work.

Oh, and I applied for a summer program at a Certain College. I won't say where, 'cause they haven't approved me yet. However, I'm confident I'll be accepted.

And now some comments from Chez Histor:

H. L. Crawdad says "Hi, y'all." He would lik to voice his disagreements with me concerning a sociological matter on this blog, but I told him nyet. He's currently working on an essay, "The War That Wasn't: A Review of The Third World War by Gen. Hackett, et al." Expect it next Sunday.

The Church of Jumbuck is tootin' along just fine. 45 Parishoners, 6 of which are not livestock. "It's exciting that all these sheep and cows are coming together in jumbucky unity," says Rev. Ovis Aries. "Sure, we comprise 0.00006 percent of the livestock of Texas. But we are the vanguard of the new Herd Movement."

The Sucrose Inquisition was not expected, yet

[Here the post ends, Histor having somehow disappeared or ceased typing. I shall publish it, hoping that Histor (wherever he may be) may not mind my taking the liberty.

H.L. Crawdad]

































*Actually, no, I didn't get a hangover. My parents would never let me do that. I'm just pulling your leg. And I woke up Thursday morning like normal people. "Normal people" sleep in sleeping bags and wake at 5:30 when their alarm plays "Three is a Magic Number"