Sunday, April 1, 2007

Palm Sunday Bulletin

A milestone of my life. I drove my folks home from church in - DRUM ROLL, CARDINAL! - the Big Blue. Thank God nothing disastrous occurred, despite the Furniture Gremlins putting, well, furniture on the road. And - how I love this - I made Mr. Moose fall right onto the gear shifter when I pulled out of the parking lot. To quote Cyrano de Bergerac, "I made another enemy today!"

Aw heck, he's not a real enemy. He's just a stuffed animal. But, hey, I'm an irenic chap, and I'm out of practice.

And, thanks to Dad, I discovered the most wonderful website - the B-Movie Catechism. Robots, monsters (with glowing eyeballs, so everyone can tell where they are), and obese ventriloquists' dummies (won't link, thank you very much) - all making me glad I don't watch TV. However, there is still - ah, certain books. On the up side, and finding the religious significance in a film about robots blowing bubbles is better than finding the Revolutionary War allusions in "The Twelve Days of Christmas." And did you know the mystic Ann Catherine Emmerich claimed that the Passover meat Christ ate on Holy Thursday was flavored with garlic? I love garlic. I hate vampires, who violate Isaiah 7:13. (Read "mock" for "weary").

I'm working on The Confessions of Saint Augustine. He starts it out with a good big litany to God, who, unlike most autobiographers, is an interesting character whose activities are fascinating and not a little dramatic. Not to say Augustine isn't interesting (although he's not dramatic, not yet). He had to read the Illiad - something conspicious on my to-read list by its abscence. He took away from it a sort of ambivalent attitude towards adultery. Homer was quite a lecher, apparently. Then he went off to college, in that renowned party city Carthage. (It hadn't lived down its human-sacrificing past, apparently; unlike Mexico City.) Due to money concerns, his parents had to slack off on the monitoring. Fill in the blank.

O Bliss! O Joy! The horsemeat industry in the US has finally shut down: killing horses and selling their body parts for the use of humans is no longer legal. Doing the same to humans, however, is still legal, provided it is done under the auspices of properly licensed medical professionals, or for artistic purposes.

The horsemeat industry acually had quite a presence in North Texas. I suggest somebody look into the rat-meat industry. Hey, didn't they do it on sailing ships?

Take a look at this. I aced it (they teach us right at Chez Histor!) although I didn't get the bonus one (#18: Writing a song about how wonderful and caring you are.) Then again, I'm no good as a songwriter.

Say, remember a looooooooooong time back I threatened you with a short story about a bookcase? Well, you still shall get the story (next week), but probably not the bookcase. Couldn't fit. If you want a decent story, here's one. Anyone who comments "I don't see no p'ints about this blog..." deserves a good whack on the head with a palm leaf. The whole palm leaf, I mean.

Well, the Church of Jumbuck is now based in a former doughnut shop in North Richland Hills. They found a 55-gallon drum of glazing, and they got to keep it. And now they have insurance against Inquisitorial attacks.

The Sucrose Inquisition accidentially ambushed an antiques store ("Um, Histor, it did look like a Baptist church...") but - luckily - I was in the area and shooed them out. Then I bought a huge statue of the late Ho Chi Minh made out of iron pipes and car fenders. In my defense, it was the only thing I had the cash for. And boy, was that guy grateful.

"But how do you know it's Ho?" I asked.

"It said so. [sotto voce] By the way, he really likes 60's music. Especially Jefferson Airplane."

Well, maybe we'll hit it off. You never know.

I took his gun away (rusty pipe it may be, but...) and put him by the front gate. I can't wait till the school bus comes along tomorrow.

Adios, leales sujetos!