Literary style...

This article mentions various stylistic mistakes to avoid in writing, offered by The Kansas City Star to Ernest Hemingway when he worked for that paper.

Personally, I think the list has a glaring omission and it should be obvious to anyone who read The Old Man and the Sea at some point in their lives as I did when I began high school, in fact it has to do with this sentence.

(That sentence, I must admit, doesn't really sound like Hemingway's writing, even in The Old Man and the Sea.)

UPDATE: It occurred to me that the newspapers I read are badly written. Hemingway would have had to advise them to write, not vice versa.

It's Advent...

But, being my lazy self, I have no thoughts about Advent. Instead, I have a song:

"Morning-room in Heaven"
Written by Oscar Wilde, Histor the Wise, and the Bonsai Story Generator


She is in the way, Shropshire is your sake.
By the whole question of a first-rate brand.
Bring me Algy, Algernon, I am sure.
Very nearly offering a large reward.

Good heavens!
Just give my consent.
Good heavens!
I allow you Jack.

I never think that is for Gwendolen.
First place girls never marry the present.
That will do, Lane, thank you. Yes, that business.
I was very good bread and butter, Jack.

Good heavens!
Just give my consent.
Good heavens!
I allow you Jack.

Really, if you want my cigarette case.
This cigarette case is no use of them?
They are ordered specially invented for that,
Gwendolen is perfectly delightful!

Good heavens!
Just give my consent.
Good heavens!
I allow you Jack.

All the lines are - were, actually - from the play The Importance of Being Ernest. I just put it into the generator, parsed the text, put it into stanzas....

Now I just need a tune. You can sing the verses to the tune of "Johnny B. Goode," but the chorus of this "song" and of "Johnny B. Goode" don't match up at all.

"Offertory Hymn"

(Dedicated to Cathy of Alex, who asked for it, and to a certain church in Waxahachie, TX....)

Loudly, harshly
Starts the Offertory
Organ, guitar,
Join in cacophony

Hastily the senses
Erect their best defenses...

Saints and angels
Stop their meditation
Poor souls quake at
This new irritation:

"Take those things away!
We were just trying to pray!
How are we supposed to raise our hearts to Him...

While list'ning to that Offertory Hymn?"

FOUR LEGS GOOD!

TWO LEGS BAD!

Ricky's got his paws on the grill.

Thanks to Mulier Fortis...

I checked my site, and.....SOME FACELESS COMMIE MANDARIN BLOCKED MY WEBSITE!

Maybe it was Crawdad's review of Dune? My reflections on extrovert-introvert tensions within the Church? Or maybe the post with the lyrics of "War" by Edwin Starr?

Well, as long as I'm annoyed at the Chinese, I mind as well have some fun with it.

---------------------------------------------------

I hereby challenge Fu Manchu (C'mon, we all know you're back there somewhere, rigging the Communist Party elections, coercing recalcitrant Chinese Commies, etc.) to SINGLE COMBAT!

The weapons shall be precisely one crustacean and any amount of poisonous liquids that can be carried by one man.

The location shall be any that Fu Manchu chooses.

The time shall be any that Fu Manchu Chooses.

The fight shall be to the death of either party. I shall not surrender, and I do not expect Fu Manchu to do so.

Fu Manchu may bring one henchman, as I shall bring H.L. Crawdad, both of whom may fight to the death or not, as they may so desire.

And should you want a reason, O Honorable Manchu...through your Communist agents you have prohibited the refreshing goodness of my blog to leaven the people of China, even though they have shown a desire to do so. This offense against my honor and God-given right to talk to everyone cannot be apologized for.

Fu Manchu, I await your answer, and trust that you shall send it soon. I have schoolwork to do and cannot neglect it while waiting for your response.

(Signed)

Histor the Wise, honorable son of Dadwithnoisykids.

"VMGR-152 recieves first new KC-130J..."

...while a OPFOR MG42 and a AWOL HMMWV look on.

In light of recent events...

Pinky: " Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"

The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky - try to take over the Evangelical Theological Society!

The original, drug-induced design for the Sydney Opera House was recycled and used for a church...

And here we have the infamous "Descent into Limbo" ride, which plummets thrill-seekers 550 meters in 3 seconds...

"Let us observe a moment of silence in remembrance of the workmen who died in the construction of this playground."

Courtesy of the Curt Jester.

Here, if you dare, is more.

Various pictures

The Great Depression started in 1929. Coincidence? I think not!

From the movie The Deadly Mantis. Mystery Science Theater 3000 commented on this scene: "Gentlemen, this looks delicious."

One thing the Sucrose Inquisition isn't getting, sure as God made little green apples! Actually....that's a drum aerator, and used for moral purposes - namely putting holes in the ground.

Nothing like strategic insights for bathroom reading!

From the Shrine:

The Great Episcopal Jailbreak of 168 AD!

Orchestrated by Archbishop Fasteune of Ostia, the utter insouciance of the escape stunned the guards of the Roman Colosseum. Out of 25 bishops who escaped, 23 successfully returned to their dioceses to get martyred later on - a very satisfactory result. The other two were martyred after recapture - satisfactory, but not as much so.

And if this had an audio record of the Resurrection...

you could hear Jesus saying "Fresh Air! Ooooh, that feels good after Limbo!"

Seriously, happy Octave of Easter!

Palm Sunday Bulletin

A milestone of my life. I drove my folks home from church in - DRUM ROLL, CARDINAL! - the Big Blue. Thank God nothing disastrous occurred, despite the Furniture Gremlins putting, well, furniture on the road. And - how I love this - I made Mr. Moose fall right onto the gear shifter when I pulled out of the parking lot. To quote Cyrano de Bergerac, "I made another enemy today!"

Aw heck, he's not a real enemy. He's just a stuffed animal. But, hey, I'm an irenic chap, and I'm out of practice.

And, thanks to Dad, I discovered the most wonderful website - the B-Movie Catechism. Robots, monsters (with glowing eyeballs, so everyone can tell where they are), and obese ventriloquists' dummies (won't link, thank you very much) - all making me glad I don't watch TV. However, there is still - ah, certain books. On the up side, and finding the religious significance in a film about robots blowing bubbles is better than finding the Revolutionary War allusions in "The Twelve Days of Christmas." And did you know the mystic Ann Catherine Emmerich claimed that the Passover meat Christ ate on Holy Thursday was flavored with garlic? I love garlic. I hate vampires, who violate Isaiah 7:13. (Read "mock" for "weary").

I'm working on The Confessions of Saint Augustine. He starts it out with a good big litany to God, who, unlike most autobiographers, is an interesting character whose activities are fascinating and not a little dramatic. Not to say Augustine isn't interesting (although he's not dramatic, not yet). He had to read the Illiad - something conspicious on my to-read list by its abscence. He took away from it a sort of ambivalent attitude towards adultery. Homer was quite a lecher, apparently. Then he went off to college, in that renowned party city Carthage. (It hadn't lived down its human-sacrificing past, apparently; unlike Mexico City.) Due to money concerns, his parents had to slack off on the monitoring. Fill in the blank.

O Bliss! O Joy! The horsemeat industry in the US has finally shut down: killing horses and selling their body parts for the use of humans is no longer legal. Doing the same to humans, however, is still legal, provided it is done under the auspices of properly licensed medical professionals, or for artistic purposes.

The horsemeat industry acually had quite a presence in North Texas. I suggest somebody look into the rat-meat industry. Hey, didn't they do it on sailing ships?

Take a look at this. I aced it (they teach us right at Chez Histor!) although I didn't get the bonus one (#18: Writing a song about how wonderful and caring you are.) Then again, I'm no good as a songwriter.

Say, remember a looooooooooong time back I threatened you with a short story about a bookcase? Well, you still shall get the story (next week), but probably not the bookcase. Couldn't fit. If you want a decent story, here's one. Anyone who comments "I don't see no p'ints about this blog..." deserves a good whack on the head with a palm leaf. The whole palm leaf, I mean.

Well, the Church of Jumbuck is now based in a former doughnut shop in North Richland Hills. They found a 55-gallon drum of glazing, and they got to keep it. And now they have insurance against Inquisitorial attacks.

The Sucrose Inquisition accidentially ambushed an antiques store ("Um, Histor, it did look like a Baptist church...") but - luckily - I was in the area and shooed them out. Then I bought a huge statue of the late Ho Chi Minh made out of iron pipes and car fenders. In my defense, it was the only thing I had the cash for. And boy, was that guy grateful.

"But how do you know it's Ho?" I asked.

"It said so. [sotto voce] By the way, he really likes 60's music. Especially Jefferson Airplane."

Well, maybe we'll hit it off. You never know.

I took his gun away (rusty pipe it may be, but...) and put him by the front gate. I can't wait till the school bus comes along tomorrow.

Adios, leales sujetos!

Second Week of Lent Bulletin

Stand in the Light;
Step into Freedom;
Healing Balm;
Bearer of Hope,
Restoring Spirit;
Clothed in Love;
Imaging Love:
Empowering Lives;
Passion for Justice;

(I could say it was part of a litany in praise of Sen. Barack Obama, but for this next one)

and who could forget David Haas'
"Voices that Challenge".

Dredged up by Gerald Augustinus.

First, a confession: I forgot to fast and pray per my vow. I'll have to make it up this Friday. That's the bad news. The Good News is twofold: H.L. Crawdad got his essay done, and the Sucrose Inquisition released me Monday morning when I identified myself. They apologized profusely (I'm their boss), and promised never, never, never to get near me with a squeaking toy again.

They were last seen Saturday at dusk, heading in the general direction of the Church of Jumbuck, armed with a copier, a sqeaky rubber duck, and their trusty soft cushions. God help us all.

Read this if you have any interest about politics. In my opinion, conservatism's innate tendency to be the Champion ofthe Status Quo is coming out now, with defenders of what 45 years back was abhorrent jockeying for nominations in the Republican Party. Of course maybe people will get sick of the current society and stop voting for people who perpetuate it. Some people are actually doing that.

Now this is a nice example of the "position then evidence" attitude so much in evidence among, say, Kennedy-Assassination maniacs. If you find a historian using that, then throw his book into the nearest high-temperature-producing device.

Well, folks, I mind as well provide some prayers, translated by the ICEL from Latin.

Grace before meals:
Dear God: we like food. We like the food you give us. We like Jesus because he gives us food. Amen.

Grace after meals:
Thank you, God, for giving us stuff. You will not die. Amen.

Guardian Angel Prayer:
Dear angel, God told you to follow me around. Please don't get lost. Please tell me what to do. Amen.

Now let us speak of other things.

This is NICE:
Scroll down to the bottom of this link, and see what you find.

(From the same folks: the Tabasco-Sauce Holster!)

Not nice at all:
The picture actually looks more like, uh, uh, Elizabeth Gold from The Spy Who Came in from the Cold than Mary. Besides, it's filthy ugly. If I were Elizabeth Gold, or Mary, or whoever the statue's supposed to be, I would sue for libel. Then again, Gold didn't wear those floppy wing sleeves. Nor would Mary have, according to the unamious testimony of everyone from early Christians to 12-century sculptors to Velazquez to Our Lady of Guadalupe to Bernadette Soubirous.

Next week's essay: A Short Story concerning a Bookcase.

If I were a high-up Bishop or Cardinal...

I would ban Catholics in the USA from having sweets of any sort on Friday - in place of sacrificing meat.

"Muahaha!" I would say. "No Diet Coke, no Starbucks cappucino, no Hot Tamales, no Dairy Queen, no NOTHING!"

Unfortunately, folks would accuse me of bringing back the Sucrose Inquisition...

Theology 911 Test

My answers in the combox.

One of my favorite "On the Square" things...

Pretty old, but worth reading. I like the line,

"The outback, I'll concede, may be where you find community; but sometimes it's not more than a neighbor walking uninvited through your back screen door to borrow a few shotgun shells to dust back yet another coyote."

Now, I don't know why the "’" symbols took the place of the " " " and the " ' ", so don't ask.

READABLE POST

NOW OPEN:

THE CHURCH OF JUMBUCK

"A TRULY UNIQUE AND AFFIRMING RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE...IF ANY CHURCH IS NOT A WACKY CULT OF CHARISMA, IT’S REV. ARIES' CHURCH."

- The New York Times Religious Supplement, January 11, 2007

Too many of us experience an emptiness in our lives, a lack of something. We seek to fill it with food, drink, money, hobbies, work, warfare, loving, service, philosophy, society...but we are not filled. What can fill it?

Sheep. To be exact, Jumbucks.

Indeed, jumbucks are the only means by which we can sate ourselves - and not by eating them. Herding them, trimming them for wool, keeping them as pets; all these things give true peace, true ontology. No moral affirmation is possible without a wholehearted dedication to jumbucks.

Therefore, the Church of Jumbuck (Herded by the Rev. Ovis Aries) seeks freedom from Spanish-Inquisiton-stile doctrines, (unlike A CERTAIN CHURCH WE COULD NAME!), unconverted swagmen, and doctrinalism. We have only one interest: to ensure that the moral affirmation of jumbucks (Australian jumbucks, may we remind you) be embraced by all humankind.

Endorsements:

“I had some unfortunate experiences in my past life, but this Church has been a transformative, holistic religious experience, for which I am quite thankful.”

- The Jolly Swagman

“We are considering an intellectual-property rights suit.”

- Chancery office, Transformation Church of Dallas, TX

“This church is a necessary insight into grass and religion. If I weren’t an atheist, I’d join it.”

- Richard Dawkins

“Grass? What's this about grass?”

- Anonymous goat

“If you’ll pardon me saying, it’s a bit sinister...”

- [real name of Histor the Wise]

“It perfectly demonstrates the aphorism incorrectly attributed to me – which, by the by, I wish I had said.”

- G. K. Chesterton

“I should have stayed up in the Catskills...”

- Rip van Winkle

"Maybe I won't rack you guys yet."

- Cardinal Ximenez of Spain

“Transcendent!”

- Rev. J. H. Hornblower, pastor of True Life Baptist Church, St. Paul, Minnesota

Asinine. Just Asinine.

"Everything you want from a church, without the religion."

If a CHURCH won't give you RELIGION (defined as MORALS, DOCTRINES, and WORSHIP demanded by a supernatural authority), it's a CON JOB. A big fat "Sell the Brooklyn Bridge" CON JOB.

I must admit that "Church of Brunch" is an amusing name.

In a similar vein, let me advertise the first religion I have ever founded:

THE CHURCH OF JUMBUCK!

COMING SOON!

ALL THE STUFF YOU WANTED FROM YOUR CHURCH BUT WERE AFRAID TO
ASK IS IN HERE!

PLUS AUSTRALIAN SHEEP!

The Adventures of Tintin Verus part 4

Tintin strikes back against his captors - or Snowy does, to be exact.